Look, I don’t want to call an end to the season, but I have to point out that our pitching staff that looked so promising is turning into an awkward turtle. For the non-college aged out there, the awkward turtle is a hand motion that symbolizes a turtle lying on its back and wriggling its legs about in an effort to right itself. How often does the turtle succeed? Not often; assistance from a higher being is often required. [Potentially offensive blonde joke of the day: What's the similarity between a blonde and a turtle? Once they're on their back, they're screwed!]
So, what’s making our pitchers into an awkward turtle? Starting from the beginning…
Mark Mulder: What hasn’t been said already could maybe fill a thimble. The guy is trying to find an arm angle that works for him so that he can give pitching in the big leagues another try. This isn’t so much ‘awkward turtle’ as ‘bloated armadillo’, but tradition dictates that it goes on the list.
Chris Carpenter: I have a feeling we’ll see him before the season ends even if we aren’t depending on him for a playoff push. If nothing else, we’ll want to see how he pitches to big league hitters so that we know what he has to improve upon for the next spring training. However, having your team’s ace/Cy Young winner on the DL for a couple years is kind of a crippling blow to the team.
Matt Clement: Uh… yeah. “Diminished shoulder strength” isn’t exactly on the list of terms you’d like to hear used to describe your team’s projected number two starter who is recovering from throwing shoulder surgery.
Jason Isringhausen: The coaches seem to think he’s coming back whenever he feels like it. I’m not so sure how that’s going to work out. We all knew he was out for his head and not his hand, but I’d like to see him come back for seven saves. However, it’s hard for a closer to come back from a serious blow to confidence. It took Brad Lidge what, a year to allay concerns about his ability? I don’t think Izzy has the luxury of time.
Joel Piniero: Strained groin, heh heh. This athlete injury makes me chuckle just less than “anal fissure” and “twisted testicle”. Anyway, if he can stay away from Hrabosky’s he might heal up, but he’s got to start lasting more than five innings or we’ll be adding more bullpen arms to the list of casualties.
Todd Wellemeyer: The Colonel, NL Pitcher of the Month for May. Not bad for someone kicked off the Royals. Currently experiencing swelling in his right elbow. Choose your own obscenity. This vaguely reminds me of the beginning of the 2007 season when Chris Carpenter experienced swelling in his right elbow and might have his next start delayed or miss his next start.
Adam Wainwright: Respectable fill-in ace making a case for himself as legitimate ace. Felt a pop in his middle finger while throwing to Astro Darin Erstad and left the game with a 2-2 count. The official word is that he has a strain, but it sounds a little more like torn connective tissue to me. Ouch. Not good for a pitcher. Even worse for the pitching staff, eh?
So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take my Effexor and try to get through this episode of As the Pitching Falls Apart with the rest of y’all.
